Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Do you give back what you ask for?
Recently, I have had some close friends do things that I found offensive and in my early years would have probably never talked to them again. I had to take a personal inventory of myself and realize that in many cases I have asked for my friends to be "perfect", a position as a friend, I had no intention of reciprocating. Being a friend means you take the good and the bad, the high and the lows. I would say it's similar to a marriage. It's not always perfect, but the foundation that it is built on is solid. Have you asked for perfect friendship and have not given what you asked back?
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It's hard to ask for the "perfect" anything. Being that as humans we are not perfect (although we should all be striving for perfection). I do strongly believe in giving back to a friendship or any relationship exactly what you expect from it. Some relationships are built on solid foundations, some are not. Those are relationships that served a purpose for that specific time period of our lives, and from those we must learn a lesson and move on.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I give my all in most relationships I've encountered in my life. That would be relationships with friend, family and spouses. I generally do expect that in return in some form. That form would depend on what the other party considers as "giving their all". But by no means do I expect any relationship to be perfect.
You said: "Being a friend means you take the good and the bad, the high and the lows"... learning to do this, and genuinely accepting your friends and loved ones for who they are, with all their baggage, their annoyances and without trying to change them to selfishly meet your expectations and standards, is in my opinion the path to a perfect friendship. I do believe in perfection, I just think that achieving it involves accepting error. Haven’t we all experienced situations that we feel are simply perfect? Perfection is simply what you perceive as the best circumstance or situation for YOU. Of course we all make mistakes; and to answer your question, yes, I can think of a few occasions in which I’ve asked for (or accepted) more than I was willing to reciprocate… and in some cases, it’s taken me years to see it... but what can i say? these are experiences we just have to learn from, no?
ReplyDeleteWhen you are in a relationship/friendship where you are honest with yourself about who friend is, good and bad, you can accept the friendship/relationship for what it is, and what it represents in your life and what you represent in theirs.
ReplyDeleteRecently, I had a conversation with someone very close to me, about a relationship they are involved in. They couldn't make the decision whether to leave or stay. Here was my advice,(sidenote: I think this can be used in any type of relationship)when you decide to begin a relationship, never begin it expecting a person to be someone other than exactly who they are at that moment. People rarely change (almost never). If you can accept who they are and still maintain a relationship then good, if not then move on. @Moni,you are right, no one should expect you to meet their expectations and standards. I wouldn't necessarily say it's selfish, but to me, it comes from a "saviors" place. I call it the "Savior's Complex", a friend who wants to save you from yourself, and make you into the person they visualize you becoming. Women do it alot with spouses. They are not willing to accept the person they met, just as they are. So they want them to change. Unfair!!!!!!
In any relationship you must accept people for who and what they are. And no one by any means is "perfect".
THIS IS GREAT ADVICE: "when you decide to begin a relationship, never begin it expecting a person to be someone other than exactly who they are at that moment". I'm gonna have to save this quote, and give you credit when i use of course :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as the need to change others and it coming from a "saviors place", if i'm interpreting this expression correctly, i agree that in some instances this may be true and i don't attribute that to a purely selfish act. However, what i was referring to is a situation in which person 'A' will try to change person 'B' in order to make him or herself "look better", not necessarily taking into consideration person 'B's' happiness...